Dear 20-year-old Melissa,

Get out, now.  Take a break from reading this letter, pack your bags, take the dogs and drive to your mom’s house.  Don’t be embarrassed, don’t be afraid and don’t hesitate.  It will only get worse and you can’t ever change him.  Go!

OK, now that you’re somewhere safe and sane, let me tell you a few more things.

Keep going to school.  Graduating at 30 turns out to be a very satisfying accomplishment, but you would be much more financially secure if you just get it over with sooner.

Don’t worry about any of the friends that will be left behind because you left him.  None of them end up sticking with you for the long haul.  Instead, call the Wisconsin girls.  Tell them that you love them and that you never want to lose them.  Apologize for shutting them out of your life.  They will continue to be so very important to you.  Don’t waste time.

Texas sucks, but you should stay a while.  Be sure to hang out at Brew Moon in the spring of 1998 on Thursdays.  You will not regret it.  You will meet the most amazing person.  Please, though, be honest with him, always.  It is hard to admit your fears, but it will save you a lot of trouble.

Speaking of trouble, live within your means, please.  Financial problems make everything else in your life problematic.  Pay it on time, don’t spend it if you don’t have it and save a bit now and again.

Oh, and see a shrink.  Again, there is nothing to be ashamed of.  Those feelings are not normal and people can help you.  There is better living through chemistry.  If you are a little more sane and responsible when you have that magic moment at Brew Moon, your future will be bright.

Also, love your body.  You don’t need a full meal from Wendy’s as a “pre-dinner snack”.  Pay attention to what it wants, keep it strong and feed it wisely.

Above all, remember that you are loved.  You have no idea how willing people will be to support you, but they will be there.  Stop being so afraid and go after what you want.

Love, 37-year-old Melissa

I am feeling much less gloomy these days.  Yes, I am still a hobo, but things are looking up.  I have had the first of what I hope are many successful appointments with the councilor we used to see as a couple.  He is extremely insightful, already knows a lot of my (our) history and has a sense of humor.  I have had a lot of experience with psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists.  This guy is, without a doubt, the most helpful person of the lot.

Work has been extremely busy and challenging, both of which please me a great deal.  I don’t deal with down time very well and, frankly, slow days are not profitable days.  I still marvel at the fact that, two and a half years into this job, I learn something new almost every day.  The fact that there is still so much to learn can be frustrating, but finding solutions is always rewarding.

I am reminded daily of how incredible my friends are.  I know some of the kindest, funniest and kick-ass-est people in the world.  I have long been aware of this, but it has been extremely gratifying to find out that the social safety net that I believed in was absolutely there to catch me.  My self-esteem has improved to the point where, on most days, I think I deserve them.

Sushi!  The last thing that I would like to celebrate today is raw tuna.  I ate it for dinner last night and I will eat it again this evening.  Maguro two days in a row is fucking awesome.

I am totally overwhelmed and somewhat disoriented.  I hate waking up and forgetting where I am.  I hate not knowing what the future holds. 

Some days I cry.  Some days I’m surprised by how peaceful I feel.  There is no doubt that, even if there is a reconciliation, that substantial changes are on the horizon.  I am both terrified and hesitantly optimistic.  We shall see.

I know I am remaining vague about my circumstances, but I’m not ready to let that particular story unfold.  Hell, I left this space dormant for so long that I’m not even sure there are any eyes out there reading my words, but it makes me feel better to let my feelings work themselves out slowly on this page.

I don’t believe I have ever attended a horse race.  I don’t follow the sport and I have never even watched that movie about that famous horse.  Seriously, I can’t even think of its name, other than the fact that I know it is tied to breakfast food somehow.  In spite of that, I love the Kentucky Derby.  Hats!  I’m a sucker for hats, the bigger and crazier the better.  The hat I have selected for today’s festivities is not that big, but it does feature a spray of black feathers that are quite remarkable.  If there are not too many mint juleps, I will capture the hat madness with my camera.

1. Make a dedicated office/craft room.
2. Wear size 8 jeans comfortably.
3. Become proficient enough at the banjo to play along at guitar nights.
4. Auction all of my antiques and vintage clothing.
All of them that I wanted to get rid of are gone. 
5. Become fluent in Spanish.
6. Bake a delicious and attractive layer cake.
I went all Ace of Cakes for my friend Katie’s birthday and she was thrilled.
7. Visit all 50 states.
8. Learn to snowboard.
9. Crochet a toque for Tom.
10. Go back to school, whether I decide to finish my master’s in accounting (my old career) or pursue a degree in graphic art (my current career).
I will be taking classes in graphic art and marketing.  I have completed the admissions process and now have to work out the financial bits.
11. Take my Missouri friends to Wisconsin for a weekend.
12. See Eddie Izzard live.
13. Earn my 2nd degree black belt in tae kwon do.
14. Buy a good wig and wear it.
15. Take at least 5 classes at the adult learning center.
16. Make my own wine.
17. Visit all of the Missouri wineries.
18. Take a bar-tending class.
19. Return to Denmark.
20. Ride in the MS150.
This was harder than it needed to be for a number of reasons, but I gave it my best shot.
21. Try every vegetable dish I am served.
This one just isn’t worth it to me.  I know what I like and I know what I don’t.  I’ll try something new, but life is too short to eat carrots.
21.  Start my own business by the time I’m 45.
22. Start another book club (that isn’t code name for Wine Club).
23. Learn American Sign Language.
24. Sort and scan all of my pre-digital photographs.
25. Ski in Canada.
26. Get in the habit of selling or donating all of my clothing that doesn’t fit.
Shelters and career centers, I’ve found, are in great need, so I prefer to spread them out that way versus dropping everything out at Goodwill or the Salvation Army.
27. Take a vacation with each of my parents.
28. Remember to send birthday cards to friends and family.
29. Build and use a compost tumbler.
This was easier to build and maintain that I imagined.
30. Volunteer for a literacy program.
31. Become a full-time non-smoker, no exceptions, ever.
32. Give homemade gifts when invited to a shower, bridal or baby.
33. Visit a winery outside of Missouri.
34. Increase my iron levels enough to donate blood.
I’m taking my vitamins every day and, although I was just barely over the limit, I managed to donate in November.  Of course, now that I’ve been to Honduras, it will be a while before I can do it again.
35. Eat fast food only as an occasional treat.
36. Learn to ride a motorcycle.
37. Collect family recipes.
38. See my aunts, uncles and cousins at least once each year.
39. Make my own vegetable stock.
I made my own vegetable bouillon, which is even easier!  It is awesome and I will follow up with the recipe soon.
40. Compete with a weapon at a tae kwon do tournament.
41. Make a realistic budget each month.
This will always be a work in progress, but we have made a very good start.
42. Throw out every expired item in the bathroom and kitchen.
There were some embarrassingly old things.
43. Buy and use a sketch book.
44. Learn to groom the dogs.
45. Host our 10th anniversary part in June.
The Living In Sin party ended up being in February, but it was fabulous!
46. Learn how to brew a proper cup of tea at home.
47. Make an effort to make more friends.
In the last year I have gone outside of my comfort level and pursued new friends.
48. Buy a flute.
49. Take Tom to House on the Rock.
50. Start a modest wine “cellar”.
51. Organize and box my shoes.
Not only can I always find what I’m looking for, but they stay in much better shape.
52. Write down my mother’s stories from her charm bracelet.
53. Replace our pots and pans.
54. Earn a sparring medal at a tae kwon do tournament.
55. Take a photography class.
56. Learn to make cheese.
57. Tavel to Japan.
58. Visit my grandfathers’ graves each time I’m in Wisconsin.
59. Build a desk.
60. Attend a restaurant grand opening.
61. Can my own tomato sauce.
OK, so I bagged it and froze it.  It was still delicious with a lot less sweat.
62. Hand make a gift for each of my closest friends.
63. Visit the museums on the MU campus (art and archeology, anthropology and entomology).
64. Buy 5 pieces of local art.
65. Hike at The Pinnacles..
66. Follow Mizzou hockey.
67. Research Columbia’s recycling program.
68. Play on a sand volleyball team.
My knee may never be the same, but it was a lot of fun!
69. Paint a set of wine glasses.
70. Buy meat locally.
71. Make a quilt.
72. Put at least 5% of my earnings in investments.
73. Take photos or a video for insurance purposes.
74. Attend an author’s reading.
75. Listen to one new artist’s album each month.
76. Re-learn to play euchre.
77. Make pudding from scratch.
78. Line-dry my laundry when weather permits.
Tom made me a very handy laundry system.
79. Clean out my closets and keep them that way.
80. Buy a set of silverware, service for 8 or 10, that I don’t hate.
81. See Barenaked Ladies perform live.
Without Steven Page, I don’t want to see them.
81.  Visit Africa, Austrtalia, South America and Asia.
82. Drink more Casino Beer with Dave.
83. Try a new wine each month.
84. Build a house.
85. Get my dental issues taken care of.
I have had the first of four appointments that will resolve my chomper problems.
86. Take a 2-day float trip.
87. Make spicy tuna rolls.
We served them to a friend that had never tried sushi until I made it an issue in Vegas and now he loves it!
88. Start a family tree.
89. Learn to parallel park my truck.
90. Have a non-holiday dinner party.
91. Make a monetary donation to a charity each month.
I have more time than money. 
91.  Donate time, materials or cash to one organization each month.
92. Print and frame family photos.
93. Introduce a friend to a new food.
Did I mention sushi?
94. Plant hops to use in our home brews.
95. Hire a professional chimney sweep.
96. Sell my hand made items.
97. Remove three problem moles.
98. Reconnect with a particular high school friend.
I saw her at Thanksgiving this year!
99. Make ravioli from scratch.
100. Go reef diving.
I am so proud of this one!  I have always been terrified of diving, but I took a chance and got certified.  In Honduras I had the opportunity to dive and, in spite of my concerns, suited up and hit the water.  It was amazing and beautiful and will not be the last time I dive.

If I survive the trip to the grocery store this morning, the rest of the day is going to be pretty great.  I have a whole lot of cooking and baking to do, so I’m going to crank up the music, don my apron and plant myself in the kitchen.  The preparations for the holiday are much more fun for me than then celebration itself.  Making food for a crowd gives me a sense of accomplishment and is a rather soothing activity.  Hosting a house full of people does nothing of the sort.  I find that wine improves both activities, so I’ll be sure to fill my grocery cart accordingly.

Yes, I am looking forward to the four day weekend, but only because I don’t like getting up so early in the morning.  Holiday! Magic! can suck it.

1.  Last night Tom and I had a conversation that was overdue that went, I think, very well. 

2.  I have the best haircut, ever.  Friends have been extremely complimentary and I have had strangers stop me and tell me that they like my hair.  A cut always brightens my day and makes me feel more confident, but this cut seems to make everyone’s day.

3.  My parents are receiving Christmas gifts from me BEFORE the holiday, not some time in January (or July, oops, bad year for procrastination).

4.  I have made a few really good friends the last couple of years, which isn’t easy for me.

5.  I get better at and learn something new at my job every day.

6.  I have lost over thirty pounds in the last year.

7.  A style of vintage dress that I have been searching for presented itself to me a couple of months ago.  It fit, I bought it and it makes me happy.  Did I mention that I spent over a decade searching?

8.  I managed to start AND finish a few craft projects this year.

9.  In fifty-two days I will be vacationing on a private island.

10.  I am fortunate enough to have more items for this list, but I’ll be late for work if I continue to put off taking a shower.

*I love to drive fast, you bet I do, but I know how foolish speeding in Illinois is on a holiday weekend.  It’s your state!  Slow the fuck down!

Since then, there has been a visit from my friend Kate, a couple of football games, a lovely party at Jon and Susan’s, two tiny people’s birthday parties (a 1st and a 2nd) and the Roots and Blues and Barbecue festival; all of which I would love to give their own separate posts.  So, I will try to get the other half of my list up tonight while I try not to get too involved in the football game.  I have my fingers crossed for Carolina to shine, but I think Dallas (the city and the team) has it out for me personally, so I’m not too optimistic.