I haven’t been able to post here very often because none of the posts that I start writing are genuine. Any time that I try to start a lighthearted anecdote about shoes or the dogs or friends, I feel like I’m being dishonest. Things have been a little rough lately and I don’t know how best to address those issues either.
A couple of years ago, I started taking medication for anxiety. It was a necessary step that has helped me immeasurably. Unfortunately, that wasn’t my only issue. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a new doctor who has started me on a new course of meds for an additional diagnosis. I can tell that this is a step in the right direction, but I think I’m going to have to start full time therapy if I really want to fix things and I do, genuinely, want to fix things. The problems that I have been dealing with have, in the last year or two, impacted several facets of my life negatively. I’m scared of what I might lose if I don’t make a serious effort to get better.
I have a follow up appointment with the new doctor this evening and I am looking forward to it. She is the kindest most attentive doctor I’ve ever had, which only partially makes up for the fact that it was a big fucking deal finding someone with the appropriate qualifications who took my insurance and was willing to see new patients. The insurance company’s website listed seventeen psychiatrists. I called them all and was able to make an appointment with none of them, not a single one. There were several numbers no longer in service, a few who only dealt with adolescents, a couple that never returned my repeated phone calls and a couple who wouldn’t take new patients. The one single doctor that I was able to make contact with would have been happy to see me and provided the kind of treatment that I was looking for, but she didn’t actually take my insurance. Her practice does for medical treatment, but I was out of luck. Only after three calls to the insurance company, during which I was essentially accused of lying about the availability of the online-listed doctors, was I given the contact information for the woman that I’m seeing now. As I said to anyone who would listen during the process, it might be helpful to have the information intended for the crazies, I mean the more delicate of us, up-to-date and easy to use. I have never started or finished so many phone calls in tears.
Tom is trying to be patient and understanding, but he has had to deal with the majority of the fall-out. A lot of people would have given up on me. I really am lucky to have him.
I am going to try to post a little more often now that I have dumped that little admission of frustration out there. Halloween is tomorrow and we made awesome costumes. We’re hosting the party, which should be a ton of fun. The holidays are coming up quick. There will be so much more going on than the crap clogging up my head.
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